dreams

 

As most people know, nightmares where you relive the trauma are a normal part of PTSD

 

Sometimes these dreams are especially cruel.

 

The worst ones, for me, are the dreams where I imagine my abuse was taken seriously. Where the owner of the birth center or the police listen to me and react appropriately.

I remember one dream, where I relived being molested during an exam, and then afterwards I dreamed that the police told me there were security cameras rolling in the room when it happened. So the police officer believed me and arrested ester. And that is when I woke up.

It was so cruel that my mind would do that to me. I woke up knowing that although the abuse was real, the response I fantasized about never would be. No one who could help would ever care that this happened to me. I think my mind was trying to fix what happened.

Other times I dream about being left alone for 8 hours in my baby’s nursery, scared and alone in labor while everyone else slept. I remember how much pain I was in, how confused I was about the difference between what the birth center promised me and what they gave me. All I could do was watch the clock tick.

After my baby was born, I couldn’t stand being in the nursery. I had to rearrange the furniture so that I could try to forget those hours of clock staring, pain, and confusion. I would buy a new chair for the nursery if it was affordable, but its not.

I remember sitting in the car for hours, in tremendous pain, after having been told I can take my time getting out of their office, because they were not going to support me anymore. This wasn’t what I saw on the business of being born. This wasn’t what Ina May Gaskin sold me in her guide to childbirth. They were not kind at all, even in telling me to leave. We still own that car and sometimes I have to sit in the passenger seat and feel the same way I did when I was kicked out of the birth center by the people I trusted with my very life. PTSD triggers don’t make sense, they just happen and the only thing you can do is learn to cope. I’m coping a lot better than I ever used to, but I am very angry that I had to learn how to because of the predatory conduct of a so-called “birth professional”.

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